At 4 a.m., I was wide awake. I'd got up to use the bathroom and couldn't fall back asleep. After several attempts to force myself back to sleep, I didn't succeed.
Listening to soothing stories on Audible is usually my last resort, and it almost always works. But not tonight.
Lying in bed, my mind drifted toward self-reflection. It felt automatic, like a mechanism I couldn't shut off. Most often, my thoughts circle back to work, and I start overthinking. I find myself replaying situations that have already happened, knowing I can't change the past, but thinking about them anyway. I hate that I keep doing this. It's because I care too much about what people think of me, and often, I end up prioritising others' needs and opinions over my own. The urge to prove myself is always there.
At least I'm aware of this now. I've learnt to be kinder to myself and understand that life isn't about proving myself to anyone. I may not yet be who I want to be, but I'm working on it; this takes practice and time.
Every time I realise I'm overthinking, I try to cut off the train of thoughts and do something else that fills my mind and feels like a better use of my time. Which is exactly why I got up. I thought about writing, but I felt too groggy, so I distracted myself with one of my comfort shows, Star Trek: Voyager. Captain Janeway will always have a place in my heart.
After finishing an episode, I noticed it started getting brighter outside. I love this time of day—dawn. It's my favourite hour, when everything is still, and life is about to begin.
I paused the show and picked up my phone to text my best friend in Thailand. One of the perks of having friends on different continents is the time difference; it was just after noon there.
We've known each other since middle school. She's the charming one, the centre of our group. If anyone has news or wants an update on how the others are doing, she's our central point.
"Are you there?" I texted. "I'm fine, though—no drama, just miss you and was thinking about our time in high school. It's 5 a.m., and I can't sleep," I added.
I mentioned there was "no drama" because lately, I've only texted her to vent about stressful days, especially about work. I don't do it often, but I understand how it feels to be on the receiving end of those messages. When people want to vent, it's easier to listen if your own life feels manageable. But if it doesn't, even a little negativity can feel overwhelming.
The three dots appeared, showing she'd seen my message and was typing. "What's up? Did you know TP is about to get married?"
Always our newskeeper.
"Yes, I saw it on Instagram," I answered. Another wedding I can't attend because I'm an ocean away.
At some point, I wouldn't be surprised if my friends in Thailand forget about me. Even though I knew this was unlikely, the thought made me a little sad. All the milestones in the lives of people I care about, I miss them all. So, I changed the topic.
I asked, "Do you have a dream? What's your dream?"
She paused, then replied, "I want to reach Nirvana, like Buddha, and never be reborn again."
I laughed when I read this, but I also felt a little sad, realising that if I were reborn, I might never meet her again if her wish came true.
"Are you that tired? You don't even want to be reborn?" I asked.
"Yeah, seriously. I'm too lazy to be born and work this hard again."
My friend is a pharmacist and owns a small pharmacy. Running a business is also one of my dreams. I admire and am proud of her for reaching that point, but I guess it's not as easy or sweet as it sounds.
"Come on, stop fooling around. What's your real dream?" I asked.
"Okay, very simple," she said. "I want to live somewhere peaceful, somewhere with delicious food available all around me. Whatever I want to eat, I can get it. And if I want to travel, I can go easily, without worries."
"Food and travel," I thought. Of course. Our priorities in life. No wonder we've been friends for over 20 years.
She paused a bit, and then the dots were moving again.
"So, basically, money," she concluded.
I reflected on what she said and realised that most people want this too. Money isn't everything, but it's the key that opens many doors, which may explain why people are so obsessed with it. My friend is no exception; her dream is financial security. It may not sound grand, but it gives her a clear sense of direction in life, and that's perfectly okay. A dream doesn't have to sound grand or meaningful; sometimes, the simplicity of a stable, comfortable life is a worthy dream in itself. Her certainty about what she wants inspires me to stay focused on my own journey.
As I put my phone down, I realised how comforting it was to reconnect with her and to know we're both on similar paths, pursuing our own dreams. The uncertainties and responsibilities we both face seem lighter when shared. Maybe that's what true friendship is. A constant reminder that no matter where we are or what we're struggling with, we're never really alone.
And for now, that was enough to let me drift back to sleep, a little more at peace.
